Walker, Texas Ranger

August 31, 2007 at 1:46 am (celebrities, funny, humor, Uncategorized)

OK, so I got home, turned on my TV and Walker Texas Ranger was on.  My initial reaction was to change the channel…..but alas, I was able to restrain myself.  A rewarding decision. 

First of all, Chuck is one of my personal heros (and my myspace friend).  After learning about Random Chuck Norris Facts (http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/) I fell in love.

Walker Texas Ranger is an amazing mix of bad acting, over acting, and deep meaningful storylines.

Second, the script writing in this show is phenominal.  Some of my fav quotes from the episode:

  • “I came to enlist your help.  See, I’m not the token N—-…”  Seriously, they just used that word – a word that even I am to uncomfortable to write.  Wasn’t this a christian show?  Seriously?  The N word, on day time television?
  • “Who the hell does that son-of-a-bitch think he is?”  “That son-of-a-bitch knows this country better than you know the warts on your wife’s backside.” “Well, why don’t we all line up and kiss his ass.” (In reference to Chuck, AKA walker).
  • Walker is about to die in a car….what does he do?  He chugs a beer (that sure as heck is what I would do).  Upon being rescued… Dude:”Ranger. Don’t die on me now dammit.  Dammit don’t die on me now.” Ranger: “Get me a beer kid”

This sent me on a quest to understand WHO wrote for this show and where else did their careers lead them.  Of the three “Creators” listed on the site, two of them haven’t done much, wheras one (a Canadian I might add) has gone on to write for The Black Donnellys, Flags of Our Fathers, Million Dollar Baby and some of the Bond Movies.  I was relieved to know that the talent has not gone to waste. 

Third, the apparel used in the show is absolutely wonderful.  Tight jeans, Chuck randomly with his shirt off, mullets, moustaches, afros.  All of my favorite styles in one show.  What more could one ask for.

Finally, there is a midget (errrr – little person?) in a wheelchair.  Seriously.  What more could you ask for in a show?  Wonderfulness.  Sheer unadulterated wonderfulness.

This is why Chuck Norris is hot.

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From the Archives – Ice, Ice Baby – My Ephemeral Brush with Celebrity

July 31, 2007 at 12:15 am (celebrities, funny, humor, Uncategorized)

Last night (March 1) a momentous event occurred – I “met” (and by met I mean touched – TWICE!!!) Vanilla Ice.  Does that make me a celebrity?  Maybe.  Does it make me a better person?  Probably.  Does it make me more interesting?  Definitely. My encounter with the has-been pseudo celebrity was everything I hoped it would be and more. 

First, Vanilla Ice was scheduled to “appear” at a bar in ….. Cincinnati.  Not sing (does he “sing”), or perform – there wasn’t even a stage – just be there so that people like me could touch him and later brag about it. 

If he did perform, does he even have songs other than Ice, Ice Baby?  Upon arriving home I searched for Vanilla Ice on myspace (the only reputable place to garner information about someone).  I was surprised to note that Vanilla Ice has a number of other songs – he has actually made 7 albums in total – starting with “Hooked” in 1989 (which featured Ice Ice Baby). 

The next stop in my quest to learn more about the artist was www.vanillaice.com.  Opening quote from the biography page – “It’s a true story that Video Killed the Radio Star because music should not be about image. Music should be about the music! I learned the hard way.”  Poor Vanilla.  So, if he is about the music, then what’s up with an appearance where he doesn’t even perform?  “I will never be a puppet for the industry again. From this point on I will keep it real. That’s why I didn’t change the name. It doesn’t mean anything; it’s only a label.”  Does this make any sense?  Seriously.

I worked on my pick-up line for hours….(while making a sexy face) “Alright stop, collaborate and listen, Krista’s back with a brand new invention.  Vanilla, grab a hold of me tightly, do me like a harpoon daily and nightly.  Will you ever stop?  Yo, I don’t know…”   Meaningful.  But alas, when the big moment came and I was face to face with Vanilla I froze….I merely touched him and remarked about the alarmingly large number of tats that he had.  Damn.   

After collecting myself I went back and to try again – this time, I brought him a sweet Coors Light (given to me free by a Coors rep).  I approached him… “Vanilla – I bought you a drink”….”Aw that’s sweet – did you really buy me a drink?  Thanks, but I have drinks back here sweetie”.  Rejected!  He probably thought I put Roofies in it – and I probably should have……  My dream of dating a former celebrity was gone in an instant.   

So, my fleeting brush with a celebrity and chance for fame and stardom ended uneventfully, and all I have left is the knowledge (and the warm fuzzy feeling that it gives me inside) that I touched Vanilla Ice.  Twice. Sadly no pics for this one.  Damn.  I need to bring my camera EVERYWHERE with me. 

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